


who's left and who's leaving

by spuffyduds



Category: Hard Core Logo (1996)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-22
Updated: 2013-12-22
Packaged: 2018-01-05 15:19:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1095551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spuffyduds/pseuds/spuffyduds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Billy's not sure which he was, in the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	who's left and who's leaving

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lovelokest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelokest/gifts).



Billy has to spend a long time talking to the cops, after, which sucks.  And a long time talking to Joe's mom, at the funeral and later at her house, which sucks worse.  She always thought he was too skinny, was always trying to feed him up when he and Joe were kids together, and she does the same thing now, keeps trying to interest him in all the hot dishes and desserts that neighbors brought over.

He eats a lot, to keep her happy, and to keep from yelling out the things in his head that want to get yelled.  Because one second he wants to fall at her feet and sob out, "God, I'm sorry, this was my fucking fault,"and the next he wants to scream, "Your son was a worthless fuck, why did he do this to me?" And he's pretty sure they're both lies and both completely true, and completely sure that neither of them would be a bit of help to Joe's mom who keeps mumbling, "Lost his way.  Somewhere he lost his way," with this bewildered face, so he just chews and swallows and nods.

***************************

The first time one of them left, they were still just kids.  Been hanging out for about a year, and then Joe came to school one day all full of big talk about how his mom got a great new job and they were moving to this great new house, "far away from all you fuckers," and on and on, and Billy just sat there panicking, because what about the band and what about their plans for the band and what about, what about _Billy_ , and then suddenly something he _wasn't_ hearing sunk in and he blurted, "Just your mom?  Not your dad?" and then there was another first because Joe decked him.  They'd done plenty of wrestling and scuffling before but this was a fist right in his face. Billy went down and lay on the lunchroom floor blinking, staring up at the flickery ceiling lights, unable to think anything but "You're _leaving_?" and "Ow." People came rushing over and there was a lot of yelling at Joe but Joe just stood there for a long time staring down at Billy. The one time Billy managed to look back up at him Joe looked stunned and sick, which somehow made Billy's face hurt worse than the punch had, and then Billy was getting picked up and helped off to the nurse's office and Joe was gone.

Joe was gone for a month, and then he was suddenly back.  Didn't have a word to say about why he was back, or about what happened just before he left--seemed to want to act like nothing ever happened, and Billy was okay with that, because now he had the band back and their plans back and somehow over the last year Joe and their band and their plans had become pretty much Billy's whole life.  

Billy paid more attention, now, though.  He noticed that sometimes when they were over at Joe's house his mom moved a little stiffly when she was cooking for them, and sometimes when he and Joe were wrestling Joe would flinch when Billy thumped into spots that he knew _he_ hadn't been the one to bruise.  

Billy didn't say anything about it, because that would probably just get him punched in the face again. But he tried to invite Joe over to _his_ house a little more.

********************************************

Billy was the one who took off the next time.  It wasn't...it wasn't exactly what John said it was.  Or, well, it was, but it wasn't the first time. They'd started off with jacking off sitting next to each other when they were about thirteen, so they could share Joe's one shoplifted porn mag for inspiration. And then they moved on to doing it for each other, because that way they could show each other different grips, right?  (And that worked better for Billy, it was so much better having Joe's hand on him instead of his own.  He would never _tell_ Joe that, but he watched Joe, and yeah, Joe looked different with Billy's hand on him--his eyes closed, he would roll his head back and moan, it was better for him too.)

And then one day when they were sprawled on Joe's bed listening to music Joe said he couldn't _wait_ to get a girlfriend so she could suck him off, and Billy just. For some reason that pissed him off so much, filled him up with so much rage he could feel his heartbeat throbbing across the bridge of his nose, and he just--before he could think about it he was unzipping Joe's pants, kneeling awkwardly between his legs, licking at his cock.

He kind of hated how much he loved it, the musky taste and the slippery soft skin, the weight and shape in his mouth and most of all how Joe went nuts above him, groaning and shaking.

Later, when the band got bigger, Joe got with the groupies sometimes.  Sometimes he even went back for seconds, but he never said the word "girlfriend" again.

So, yeah, they moved on from there.  They tried different things, and Billy discovered he loved getting fucked, loved Joe heavy and sweating on his back, biting his shoulder and calling him a cunt and grinding him down into the pillows. 

It wasn't the fucking, it was the fact that John caught them at it and that Joe thought that was _funny_. Joe wasn't the one _taking_ it, wasn't the one that John and, god, _Pipe_ would be laughing at and telling everyone how he was bent over the bed and going _yeah yeah yeah I fucking love it, harder_. 

Billy'd been thinking about heading out anyway, because Joe seemed determined to fuck over any chance they ever had to really get anywhere.  Like it would be selling their fucking souls to be able to stay in a hotel that didn't have roaches once in a fucking while.

He tells himself that, but really? Joe probably would have been able to talk him into staying, even knowing the band was never gonna make it. Because Joe could talk anybody into anything, could just fucking wear you down. 

But looking up to see John standing there with his wide stoned stare and then Joe busting out laughing, laughing while Billy crawled out from under him and pulled clothes on. While Billy had to fight the urge to fucking _cry_ from shame and panic. That was too much, and Billy was gone.

***********************************

Billy thought he was doing the leaving again, that last time. And he really didn't--he really didn't mean it to be a fuck-you leaving, _that_ time.  He was gonna play that last gig with Joe without telling him about Jenifur, not to spoil it, and then they were gonna sit down and he was gonna talk to Joe about Billy doing _both_ \--Jenifur for money and Hard Core Logo for--okay, for love.  He had the feeling admitting that would make Joe give him much less shit about Jenifur. (He could picture it, so completely: "Love of the _band,_ , Joe," he'd say, and Joe would light up, would get that "I _own_ you" grin and say, "Sure it is, you dink.")

But the fucker didn't give him a chance. Right in the face, like he hadn't done since Billy asked about his dad, and _kept_ punching. Broke his guitar, and Billy was--he was just done, just suddenly so so _tired,_ too tired to keep doing this anymore, _that's what you want, that's what you get, Joe,_ and Billy was two blocks away when he heard the shot.

Billy stood there in the street for a minute, swaying, looking down at the blood on his shirt, knowing what that noise was, knowing he had to go back. Go back again. Not wanting to. His face still hurt.

****************************

He plays with Jenifur, and they stay in roach-free hotels that have swimming pools and give you nice breakfasts. It's good, Billy enjoys it, and tries really hard not to think about what the hotels would be like with Joe there. With Joe probably getting high and cannonballing into the indoor pool with all his clothes on. Calling Billy a cunt for using the last of the syrup, and flirting a little with the old lady working the waffle station. (He was always weirdly charming with old ladies. Kind of...sweet.)

He tries not to think about it, but of course he does. And he wonders...how to count that last day now. Mostly he thinks it was Joe finally doing the leaving, once and for all, loudly and spectacularly like he liked to do everything. But sometimes he wonders if it was Joe trapping Billy forever in the act of walking away, stuck for always with leaving being the last thing he did.

Just the kind of thing that fucker would _do_ , and on the nights when Billy can't stop thinking about that he doesn't do his usual "head home alone after the show" deal, or his rarer "take a girl groupie home" deal either. He skips over any guy giving him the eye at a show, because there might be talk; but he picks up a guy at a bar, goes to a ratty, familiar feeling hotel room, keeps it anonymous. He gets fucked, and he gasps into the pillow and it never helps, it never does, but it's all he's got left and he's not leaving it.

\---end---


End file.
